Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I don't mean to be a downer

Over the past couple of months, I have come across some pretty heart wrenching blogs and stories of child and infant loss. I don't look for these things, I just happen to find them while reading or browsing....and they touch me in such a way, that I can't help but share them with you.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am nearing the birth of my daughter and the thought that this could happen to me or anyone else at any given time, really hits hard.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that over the last seven years I have suffered through three miscarriages, and however traumatic that was to me and my family, I still cannot fathom losing a child that I have felt move within my womb...that I had to give birth to....that I could see their face, yet know, it would never see mine.

I am wowed by the grace of God in these women's lives. I am overwhelmed by the faith these women have while they go through such suffering. Again, I feel the need to share. I can only hope and pray that when I go through true suffering...whatever it may be...that I can shine with the grace of God and bring Him the glory He so richly deserves.

Here is baby Autumn's story, Joy to Sorrow:
Around 5 pm yesterday Kurt and I received the news that our baby's heart stopped beating sometime during the night or morning.
Our hearts are aching for this loss - the joys of expectation shattered and broken.

I, truly, am undone.

And yet... this has been hand-picked by our God for us to bear... and we do not want to dishonor him by dull-minded complaints.
He knows our hearts. He has examined our frame and found we are but dust... and he knew the second that our baby's life left. Not only that... but he decided it. I write it with tears streaming down my face... but with conviction in my heart.
He is a Man of Sorrows - he was acquainted with grief... no one else could sympathize with us as Him... and we love Him more for this.
We've just come home on a pass from a very long day at the hospital where the doctor inserted a drug intended to soften my cervix and bring on labor... and although I'm cramping and spotting there is nothing that said we couldn't come home and try to sleep - as last night was full of sorrow and tears. We will be heading back tomorrow morning to retry another insertion - or sooner if my water breaks. And then the plan is to enter full-scale labor and push out the baby normally.

Please, please pray for us, and for our families... half of our grief is seeing the sorrow of our parents who we love so dearly... and knowing that this baby was a cause of joy for so many.
We will be planning our baby's funeral in the coming days, and will need strength for that. God has already used our little one's death to spread his fame... and we are glad for that.
God does what is best - all the time. For He is all-good and all-wise and always does what is right. We cannot see clearly now - but truly: the 'shine' of this world has been somewhat dulled by the pain of our baby's death... and we remember that this world is not our home. We are waiting and hoping for something better. We know that joy does return, but we have been sobered and taught to always seek God as our source of comfort and happiness.

This is not what I would have chosen - but "to whom else will we turn"?

Today in the hospital, Kurt read me a passage that made tears stream down my face: "You who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice: though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold which perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ - whom having not seen you love."

Our faith is precious: pray that we would guard it and continue to love Jesus - even though we do not see Him. The coming days will be hard - devastatingly so. But God knows. I want to feel, as surly as I feel my husband's hand holding mine, that our God is there when we hold our baby and say goodbye and that He is trustworthy and without fault... because that is true.

Thanks everyone.
Kurt & Kendall

I encourage you to read through her posts.

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